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you're now listening to Secrets the kingdom strategies in this podcast we'll discuss Bible marriage business Marketplace leaders Bridging the church in the marketplace so you can advance the kingdom hosted by an apostle retired lieutenant colonel CEO aappa and a husband I am Dr Sam and we'll be talking about Kingdom marriages with my I guess I'm your wife Dr Dria I am a wife a mother um a child of God a therapist and I am a Delta um and I'm excited about this session on this podcast that's right baby I mean you know as we were talking about what we're going to talk about on today what did we finally decide um I do believe it is um realizing that your spouse is not you what said so not so so when you think about your spouse is not you um some things come to mind you know when we first came into our marriage you know my my example that I always go to is eating and uh I love to share and you guys would not believe it but but we were eating and I went to taste what she had on her plate and she literally swap my hand like hit my hand and said you need to get what's on your plate but that's my version of the story and I'll let her tell hers well what it is what he it was accurate as far as what you said you know me pushing your hand away and letting you know listen if you wanted it you should have ordered it but the thing is and that that's where it goes back to your spouse is not you because a lot of the things that you know you experience you to from the example of your parents of those that you know were the role models when you were growing up and of course it's nothing wrong and I'm not coming against my parents at all they were amazing but the thing is like if you wanted something you would you needed to order it like look it's my food it's my plate this is my space so why why you with my space but you know after having kids and you know hiding in the closet to the keep our food away we realize you know the these these these children they going to come and find what it is they want anyway so you know it helped me to to share to be honest with you along with you you know in your example but I realized man I don't need to trip over that because you know we could always order more or you know I can eat some of your food that's right that's right but I mean but that's the light-hearted example to get diving into this topic but but from your persp perspective what are you seeing what I'm seeing is you know and as a therapist you know I come across a lot of clients who are very strong willed and one of the things that we talk about is realizing that when people don't do what you would do you have to realize that that person is not you wow you know cuz sometimes it's hard when okay I would do this like why is it this person is not doing it I would do it and it's easy for you to say that because you lived with yourself all your life but you have to realize and understand that everybody is different wait wait wait wait so so I mean I can look at our marriage and I can look at some others speaking for the fellas you know so so when when on our Brides you know they do something that we wouldn't do from your you know professional hat what are some coping mechanisms I can do to so I don't blow up I I don't trip what what I would say is really keep in mind that we are different individuals I always use this example when I'm in therapy and I was sitting in therapy one time and it came to me I carried three children wow and even when I carried all three of my children of our children I could not control what they did the only thing that I could control was where they went because they were in my belly but if they wanted to kick they kicked if they wanted to sleep they slept you see what I'm saying even though they were literally inside my body they're still their own person so I think one thing that you know we can kind of hold on to is to really really focus on the fact that everybody is different and I look at it from a maternal standpoint that's that's one way that it really hit me like like gosh I carry these three people these three humans inside my body but I still they're still their own individual person wow that's so good that's so good you know um as you were speaking I was thinking about you know how do we walk together you know we're in this space and and God did make us differently I mean we represent the totality of God's goodness you know you have a masculine and a feminine perspective coming together and we often realize that when we're looking from the masculine perspective we're looking at certain traits and and I hate to say it sometimes people discount what the femininity brings to the conversation or vice versa some people look at the femininity as the standard Bearer and the masculine is too much but but how do you balance that thing out I would say you balance it out by realizing that every part supplies the whole you see what I'm saying like every part is it it works together so when you come together as husband and wife even though you are different you compliment each other and if you can compliment each other listen that's what it's about because my experience is different from your experience even though we're married we can experience the same exact thing but because we are two different people we would look at it receive it respond to it differently that's so true you know another thing I always think about you know I tell my wife that we have superpowers and my superpower is different from hers so so my superpower is one where I have really great hearing like like baby did you hear that you know and and I can use that superpower to protect but my wife she has her own superpower and I'll let her tell you hers but mine is smell that's why I say I don't see how individuals if they you know mine I'm Le but mine is smell and I I could smell things from like a mile away you know so and and it goes back to like we said complimenting one another like I think mine is smell because it calms me you see what I'm saying the smell fragrance is calm me and not to not to digress but once again it goes back to that complimentary piece yes you know like I know we had the um the workshop for the kids um a couple weeks ago and you were worried about you know the technicalities getting everything together getting all the equipment straight I'm worried about fragrance I'm worried about music you see what I'm saying and to to for them to come in and and feel com able and feel you know at home and to relax yeah so so the workshop that we did was we had an opportunity to invest into the Youth of our church and we did a workshop called designing your life with God and and as as you know my bride was just talking about she was wored about some things I was worried about completely different things but together it allowed for us to truly have a rich inviting experience for those who were there um it was awesome how it came together exactly and that goes back to that complimentary piece every part supplies the whole my daddy used to always say if everybody was the same the world would be boring absolutely boring because you know what to expect you know what I'm saying like if everybody say you know what to expect so like what is there to do but when it comes to marriage that goes back to understanding that your spouse is not you the reason why one of the reasons why your spouse is not you it's because y'all were created to compliment each other wow I mean so we've been unpacking a lot in this conversation about how we compliment but when you can't see the forest from the trees and you're actually in conflict with each other how do you find that way out how do you see to take a pause and say wait a minute I know we're supposed to be complimenting but right now there's a lot of friction I ask you that question what would what would you say would be something that you would do or how would you deal with it well I I know that you know for us as we were looking at conflict uh we had different mechanisms right um I'm a type of person that likes to resolve it quickly you know hey there's five fire where's the water let's put it out let's continue Mission just because I was a soldier and that was my background where my wife had a different approach and mine was please leave me alone let me cool off because I don't want to say something and I might regret later so different approaches we had to realize that if I gave into her approach I'm like doing you know Dances around like we need to throw this water on this fire now but if she gave into my Approach she's like I didn't have time to have space to go through her process so that was a conflict earlier on in our marriage exactly and in those cases somebody is physically offended or another person is more agitated you see what I'm saying so and and and you know to to answer the question from my point of view like it takes time anything takes time and and and in process but having those experiences helped us to realize okay maybe we need to compromise yes and one of to answer the question from my perspective we rotated right and and one time we tried it your way one time we tried it my way or if the other person was like I truly truly I don't care whose turn it is I truly need my process then we applied Grace yeah Grace is free yes it is yes it is it's free and you know something else our son said what thinking is free too sometimes sometimes it's about thinking about it you know what I'm saying whatever it is that you you know you're you're experiencing thinking about how your spouse would feel in that situation so that's the part of the compromise too okay he really really needs to get this off his chest let it's not about me let me put me aside and let him say what he needs to say in that moment that's so good you see what I'm saying think about it and then from your perspective she really needs this space give her the space so she can calm down so we can have a better conversation and not have fireworks on the 25th of December that's it right that's for the Fourth of July or juneth right but the thing is like you said you know that that's that's where that compromise comes in at you know something you said earlier uh as we were um headed over here conflict right so so we just unpacked a conflict that we had but you said something about conflict illuminates places for us to find to find out what that what what trick is that person you know and it's like people like ah man I had an argument that's it's not good we had an argument but in all healthy relationships you're going to have disagreements but those disagreements help you to identify okay this is a trigger for him it might even help you identify some of the triggers for yourself and just like I always say to be aware is to be alive so if you know this is a trigger for my spouse it goes back to that thinking okay let me think about it this is a trigger for him this is a trigger for me or this trigger for her you know this is trigger for me it gives you time to say okay let let me let me let me process it let me think about it but in that same token another thing that I often tell my clients is you know recognize what you're feeling in the moment to help you be able to calm yourself so that you can you know kind of resolve conflict quicker with your spouse or within yourself you know I'm listening to you and and I'm reflecting and and I and I see two things first is once I realize I'm triggered how do I work through it and the second thing is conflict paves the road to The Sweet Spot exactly so when you recognize your trigger how can you resolve it right and this I do this thing with with my clients called the emotions theer momer and it is a powerful powerful activity okay so you take a thermometer and you say okay when I'm a one what are some of the things I think what are some of the things I feel how do I behave when I'm a five same thing when I'm a 10 same thing and everything in between and what a sweet spot to be honest with you on that thermometer is between a one and a five because if you're between a one and a five you can say okay I feel myself getting there I'm not quite angry yet I'm maybe a little frustrated a little agitated but I'm still coherent enough to implement something to calm myself down either it's remove myself from the situation you know take the time to put myself in my spouse's position and my spouse's place what are they thinking what are they feel feeling whatever it may be you know that's something that can be done to you know kind of resolve the conflict before it starts that's so good now now you use the word clients a couple times in this conversation um what profession you're in again baby for our listeners that might not understand I'm a mental health therapist so you speaking from from show enough experience exactly experience in my in in in the in the um counsel room and exper experience in the house my husband hey next month on 25 years wooo that's right that's right but I'm also looking at The Sweet Spot Not only from the individual but I'm looking at The Sweet Spot in the marriage because now that if we're both becoming self-aware now we can coexist in a place of mutual respect exactly and it makes it easier to resolve that conflict before it starts and sometimes times you might not be able to resolve it before it starts but it won't be as explosive that's so good you know in the Bible it talks about do not let the sun go down on your wrath and and there are some times in our marriage that we really tried our best to apply that and and when we did we had great results and sometimes to be truthful we weren't in the best Spirits when we applied it so we didn't get the results we were looking for that's right that's right cuz the the tension was high you know the conflict was was was steady it it was punching Us in the face you know but even in that thank God he allowed us to wake up so we can get it right before the sun really went down but you know but we learn from those things and and learn how to manage and and um effectively communicate with one another realizing that he is him and I am me and vice versa we're not the same person and we deal with things differently yeah yeah you know the last thing I kind of want to share um is in those moments when her and I were were were saying I need my corner or I need my process we invented a safe word so when that safe word was was was given no matter who initiated it we knew temperatures were at a boiling point and we just needed to take a step step back and allow each other to space to go through their process exactly and not only a safe word verbalize and even um I need a minute just straight up you know what I'm saying could you please give me some time to process and that's another thing and I know that'll be another um a whole another topic for another another episode but the communication part like it's important to communicate how you're feeling in in those moments of conflict another thing and I know I'm applying a lot of things from my profession but that you know that's that's that's what I know you know one thing to use like whenever you want to resolve something or let something be known is I feel use I feel statements I feel such and such because because when you use you that person's going to get defensive nine times out of 10 you did this you did that you made me do this you made me do that because of you you know you're the whole start of this argument no I feel sad when you don't listen to me because I feel I'm not being heard now fellas I mean she's speaking the truth and it can apply to men and women but fellas if if you want a different response from your ladies just just apply that I feel this and it doesn't come off as an attack exactly but I will be honest I always say I'm a very realistic person when you're in the Heat of the Moment uh we ain't thinking about no I feel statements we not thinking about uh my husband feel this way and my wife feel that way and that's why that emotion thermometer is so essential is because you know you can identify and not only do you identify for yourself but if you all go over it together you're spouse can notice oh my husband or my wife is getting there either you can remove yourself from the situation or you can like we go back to thinking to say okay baby you know what maybe we can let's just calm down try to talk about it putting yourself aside cuz it's not about you all the time now those are some considerations for the In the Heat of the Moment mhm but what about when we prepare ourselves for our day or we reflect at the end of the day we have prayer yeah where big difference you can pray for your spouse regardless if they're talking to you or not you can speak the word to to to to let them know have a blessed day I mean could you imagine if you're there or not and you text or you pray and say sweetheart have a blessed day and you know what this right here he'll know I'm mad at him and he will play that c yeah baby I'm praying for you um have a good day I love you I'm like I man get out my face I ain't trying to talk you but he'll do that but honestly y'all when he does do that I'm like okay you know what he don't know it all the time I'm like you know what let let me chill out I hey Angels they're on assignment they're making everyone smile but on on the real um we have the ability in in Kingdom marriages to not only pray for the health the welfare and the well-being of our family but but we truly want them to be blessed and we truly want them to prosper so do not discount no matter what it looks like prayer that's right that's it makes a big difference I know we get up and pray in the morning like you can see so many differences it seems just things go smoother you know just to have that that that conversation with god communication with him that's essential yeah so I know we could talk your your heads off but um you know we just wanted to give you a little bit on today uh sweetheart um sh should we tell them what's going on in September I don't know am might it might be kind of good to let them know little something something CU you know got more little more tools and stuff coming through I I don't know I mean I I'll let you leave it you know so what we got going on in September well it's a thing called uh a marriage conference wooo yeah and it's going to be held in the beautiful city of Myrtle Beach South Carolina on a resort y'all on the water on the water yes yes on the water on the water so we are excited about that um Coming forth so the dates are September the 26th and the 27th that's a Thursday and Friday so we get there on that Wednesday and then if you want to stay Saturday and do your thing with with with your bride then and Be Our Guest we we set the table we'll give you some great workshops and great tools to take it to the next level and then you could be like Peter walking on the water yeah you feel like walking on water now we're doing this in conjunction with some other great ministers yes um um at our church you know that we attend and and we just want you to be blessed so um where do they find more information about at that www. Samuel hay. org.org org got and shout out to King's Court Ministries King's Court ministries Yes they're definitely um the engine behind this so right so we're so excited if you have any questions please hit us up at questions Samuel Hayes .org uh we'll feel those questions and we'll answered on air but but we just wanted to like I said give you little nuggets to charge your kingdom marriage so you can become that power couple for God because God honors marriages it's his first institution and and he really wants to multiply and let his legacy go throughout the Earth and I'mma tell you you know the good book says when a man find a wife he find a good thing that's right finds favor with God so maybe one of these episodes we could talk about how he be found he oh that's a good one a real good one and and then may maybe I a brother on here and say h how do you find someone I I won't let be found when I got found but Lord knew what he so sweetheart do you want to pray or you want me to pray it matters not to me you prayed last time I sure did all right well I pray this time all hearts and Minds clear dear father we thank you for this episode God we thank you for being God all by yourself God we thank you just for allowing us to come together and talk about these topics and you know hopefully reach those who need the encouragement those who need um the words Lord continue to give us what to say continue to show us what to do to be fruitful and prosperous in your kingdom Lord until we meet again on this podcast in Jesus name we pray thank God amen amen amen love you guys all right be good love you e e e e e